10 Things I Learned from Online Dating

1. Online dating is unnatural.  In real life I make friends through friends, and then I latch on and never. let. go.  That’s right, if you’re lucky enough to be my friend (wink) that means now you’re stuck with me FOR LIFE.  For one example, lovely Lindsey, I met her in Kindergarten, I knew her favorite stuffed animal, then I knew her favorite 98’ boy band member, and now I know her favorite type of wine.  Anyway, to just meet a guy, have it not work out, and then be like adios see you NEVER, just feels so unnatural to me. 

2. People can be creepy.  No, 43 year old man who claims he’s 26 but has gray hair and wrinkles, I don’t want to “walk in the rain” with you.

3. No really, people can be creepy.  They can ask for a picture, even though you already have 5 on your profile, because they want an “up-to-date” one.  From what I have gathered, “up-to-date” is code for preferably with limited clothing.  And if they mention Snap Chat, DELETE AND BLOCK.

4. People will invite you to "hang out" immediately, which usually means at their place of residence with zero witnesses, I mean other people.  Now if Detective Benson isn’t your homegirl, you best shut yourself in for a Sunday and catch up.  Law and Order SVU is “ripped from the headlines” people, and should be required viewing before purchasing an online dating subscription.

5. People get professional pictures taken for their online dating profiles.  I’ve seen an attractive man on a 4 wheeler a la Senior Picture-esque, and the casual sports coat over the shoulder while drinking a glass of wine on a dock a la J Crew catalogue-esque, and of course there is the ‘I look so damn good in this photo I needed to put it on this site, but my ex girlfriend and/or child is in it, so I’ll just put a big black circle over their face’ professional photo.

6. People take selfies in gym bathrooms…lots of people.

7. People are not afraid to tell you what they want.  Including, but not limited to: large breasts, big booties, good mother type, long term, short term, or someone interested in “arcologies, exoplanet discoveries, and retro futuristic artistic styles.”

8. People don't love grammar as much as I do.  I mean I can MAYBE excuse a your/you’re slip up, but our/are, seriously?

9. Online dating can be successful.  I know of 4 couples personally that met online, and now are happily married.

10. Three months, and three dates later, I learned that it’s not for me.

Human Interaction

I am an extrovert.  I know; you’re shocked.  I love human interaction.  I need it to survive.  It is why I enjoyed living in a room with 4 other females more than living in an apartment by myself.  It’s also probably why I love my career so much.  I think I get it from my dad who has never met a stranger.

I love engaging strangers in conversation on the elevator.  There was this one hottie a couple weeks ago that we chatted in the elevator, and then later in my head I crafted an entire romantic comedy plot for us filled with mistaken identity and plot twists all starting with our meet cute in the elevator.  (It’s a captivating story…I mean there are 3 Sarahs in my office, what if he wanted to contact me and got the wrong one!) 

I also enjoy learning people’s names like Fedeke is the parking lot attendant at the gym, Rhandy is the concierge I get my packages from at my apartment, Rosslyn works security in the building I work in on the weekends…so on and so forth.



(This is a visual approximation. 
I did not attempt to take a photo while driving.)



Anyway, due to the lovely DC traffic situation I take all back roads to work.  So, on my usual commute I pass multiple bus stops.  It saddens me every day when I see this particular bus stop on Walter Reed and there is a line of 8 people standing there completely silent, all with earbuds in. 



What if this is your chance for a meet-cute?!  (meet-cute: when a female and male love interest meet for the first time in a romantic comedy in an adorable way; definition comes from the romantic comedy, The Holiday) 



Old dude talking about Meet-Cutes in The Holiday


Even if you don’t meet your soulmate, what if you meet someone really cool?  Or at least someone nice, or interesting, or anything?!

Today I was actually on time, so I drove by this particular bus stop a few minutes earlier.  There were only 2 women at the stop, but it was the most brilliant sight…they were laughing!  Not just an obligatory chuckle either, it was the kind of laugh where one of them was bent over holding the wrist of the other one type of laughing.  It was glorious!

It made me really happy!

Now maybe tomorrow I’ll drive past and everyone will be back to staring down at their phones with their earbuds in…or maybe, just maybe, tomorrow morning those two women will at least greet each other first before they tune out the world.

To summarize, when I am with people:

I like doing this                                                                                                   more than this.