17 December 2013

Passport Photo Induced Depression

I'm coining a new psychological term: passport photo induced depression.

No one, and I mean no one, should be subjected to seeing two incredibly close head shots of themselves, that are taken 10 years apart.

I was having a good hair day, had on a cute scarf, I was ready!  Passport photo day, let's do this!  Then I saw the results from the doorway in the fluorescently lit CVS…I have under-eye bags, the beginnings of what I can only explain as eyelid wrinkles, and an increasingly asymmetrical forehead.

Ten years ago I was the picture of youth!  Not a wrinkle, or bag, or non-horizontal eyebrow to be seen!  I was an 18 year old leaving her country for the first time!  I was the picture of fresh faced, and now I'm the picture of embattled.

Cue the violins!  Bring out the tissues!  Bring on the big wine glass and the secret chocolates from the fridge vegetable drawer!

I was having a case of passport photo induced depression.  (Feel free to spread that around, I'm making it a thing).

But then a friend said something seemingly insignificant, 'uh yeah you look different you were a baby then.'  

He's right.  I was a baby.  So what if through some stress and uncertainty and accidents and awesomeness and genetics I look different than I did before.  I've always looked different, because I'm me.  Besides my two sisters, I don't resemble anyone else's mixed bag of DNA.  

It got me thinking about two baby girls I know who were born with conditions that formed their skulls differently than others.  I think about the world that I want them to grow up in. 

A world where they will be seen just as I want any other young girl, or old girl for that matter, to be seen: for her intelligence, passion, strength, imagination, ingenuity and zest for life! 

So that brings me to this point…Today I didn't understand what was publicized on our Human Resource's update about one of my coworker's finalizing an adoption of three children.  The picture accompanying the story seemed to be from the early 1990s, but the adoption was this year.  So I did what anyone in my position would do, and asked someone and just created one of my own conspiracy theories.  

Why couldn't she post a recent picture, I asked myself.  Myself logically answered that they were in the witness protection program, so she wasn't allowed to share current photos.  But, then why were they in the witness protection program?  Obviously, their father was a mafia boss and he and the mother were taken out by a professional hit.  Then to protect the children they were given new identities and sent to foster care where my sweet coworker adopted all three of them and agreed to never share anymore recent photos.  

Well, after telling this completely rational story to one of my other coworker's who is good friends with the mother of the witness protection children she told me through fits of laughter that I must tell the mother.  The mother howled with laughter at my completely believable story and said, "You have such a grand imagination!"  Then after the conversation, she emailed me a more recent picture to prove they're legit members of society.  Therefore now I'm pretty sure federal marshals are going to burst through my door at any minute, so I tidied my living room up just in case.  Anyway, then I retold the whole story to my boss later and she said, "I'm so lucky to have someone with such a colorful imagination working here."

So that's what I want you to remember from this post today: not that Sarah has an asymmetrical forehead, but that Sarah has a pretty crazy, yet entertaining, imagination.  :)

05 December 2013

How do you solve a problem like…Carrie Underwood's horrible acting?

The Sound of Music is a classic.  As a child I would wear the kitchen curtain on my head, and unlike most young girls who would pretend to be a bride, I pretended to be a nun - specifically Maria.  I would swing any bag with a handle around singing at the top of my lungs pretending it was a guitar case and my WV backyard was the streets of Austria, wherever that was.

I distinctly remember singing The Lonely Goatherd for a spring musical in grade school.  I also remember St. Michael Grade School's performance of The Sound of Music where I dreamily stared at my newfound crush, Captain von Trapp, also known as my soon to be freshman year Sadie Hawkins date, Alex.

In my house my mother has three movies that are the holy grail: Gone with the Wind, White Christmas, and The Sound of Music.  Needless to say my quoting of "I don't know nothing about birthing no babies," and "Mutual, I'm sureeeeeeeeee" added to my 3rd grade cool kid status.

Anyway, point being it's a classic, and not to be trifled with.  And trifled with, they did.  I get the whole - they're doing the stage version, not the movie version - idea.  I mean I am still a bit disappointed that a lot of the songs are out of order, but at least they are in there.  What bothers me is Carrie Underwood's horrible acting.  The girl's got pipes, but her constant staring directly at the camera when she is supposed to be speaking to another character, and anticipation of another character's movement before it happens is distracting, and downright, annoying.

There is no character development whatsoever.  If you had not seen the original movie, you'd have no clue why after what appears to be two days of being the children's nanny, she abruptly leaves after one dance with their father who miraculously now sings nonstop when two days prior he was whistling like an A-hole.

Now this may be me acting as a bit of a bully, but the kids weren't as adorable or endearing either.  Gretel was forgettable, Brigitta wasn't nearly sassy enough, and Kurt was not "incorrigible." (Remember his introduction Sound of Music purists?)

Then they basically ignored the entire NAZI plot line until the very last minute when it was unavoidable.  The saving grace was Carrie's voice, and surprisingly Frau Elsa Schrader's performance.  She looked very familiar, then I realized she was Benson's partner's ex-wife on Law and Order SVU. Who knew she could sing?  She also completed a stunning recovery after an extra stepped on her dress.

Not only was the word NAZI never even mentioned once in the entire live performance, the actual NAZIs seemed to be cast the day before the show and forgot all their lines.

Oh yeah, and Maria and Captain Von Trapp?  ZERO, ZIP, NADA chemistry.  She looked as awkward and unnatural as a sorority girl flirting with her 65 year old pot bellied professor to get a higher grade.

In conclusion, I would like to see how the sales of The Sound of Music, Julia Andrews version, will inevitably spike tomorrow.  Carrie, you beautiful, Godly gifted singer, leave the "acting" to only your music videos where I will gladly support you.

Disclaimer: I have no technical expertise in any of this, unless you consider being star of the 6th grade Christmas pageant as expertise.  I rocked that elf costume.