06 July 2014

10 Things I Learned from Online Dating

1. Online dating is unnatural.  In real life I make friends through friends, and then I latch on and never. let. go.  That’s right, if you’re lucky enough to be my friend (wink) that means now you’re stuck with me FOR LIFE.  For one example, lovely Lindsey, I met her in Kindergarten, I knew her favorite stuffed animal, then I knew her favorite 98’ boy band member, and now I know her favorite type of wine.  Anyway, to just meet a guy, have it not work out, and then be like adios see you NEVER, just feels so unnatural to me. 

2. People can be creepy.  No, 43 year old man who claims he’s 26 but has gray hair and wrinkles, I don’t want to “walk in the rain” with you.

3. No really, people can be creepy.  They can ask for a picture, even though you already have 5 on your profile, because they want an “up-to-date” one.  From what I have gathered, “up-to-date” is code for preferably with limited clothing.  And if they mention Snap Chat, DELETE AND BLOCK.

4. People will invite you to "hang out" immediately, which usually means at their place of residence with zero witnesses, I mean other people.  Now if Detective Benson isn’t your homegirl, you best shut yourself in for a Sunday and catch up.  Law and Order SVU is “ripped from the headlines” people, and should be required viewing before purchasing an online dating subscription.

5. People get professional pictures taken for their online dating profiles.  I’ve seen an attractive man on a 4 wheeler a la Senior Picture-esque, and the casual sports coat over the shoulder while drinking a glass of wine on a dock a la J Crew catalogue-esque, and of course there is the ‘I look so damn good in this photo I needed to put it on this site, but my ex girlfriend and/or child is in it, so I’ll just put a big black circle over their face’ professional photo.

6. People take selfies in gym bathrooms…lots of people.

7. People are not afraid to tell you what they want.  Including, but not limited to: large breasts, big booties, good mother type, long term, short term, or someone interested in “arcologies, exoplanet discoveries, and retro futuristic artistic styles.”

8. People don't love grammar as much as I do.  I mean I can MAYBE excuse a your/you’re slip up, but our/are, seriously?

9. Online dating can be successful.  I know of 4 couples personally that met online, and now are happily married.

10. Three months, and three dates later, I learned that it’s not for me.

1 comment:

  1. I'm absolutely dying!!! I wanted to write on this topic but you nailed it. I won't even get to texting before people absolute no's~